What if the approval you have been chasing was never going to fill you anyway?
To stop seeking validation from people who do not see you, you must first notice where you keep outsourcing your worth. Validation-seeking happens when other people's approval, praise, likes, silence or criticism decide how you feel about yourself. Breaking free means learning to recognize the pattern, grieve the approval you never received, build self-trust, set emotional boundaries and stop auditioning for people who are not capable of seeing you clearly.
Let me tell you about someone. She posts a photo on Instagram. It is a good photo. The lighting works. The caption took twenty minutes to write. She puts the phone down.
Three seconds later, she picks it up again. She checks the likes. Twelve. She checks who liked it. Not him. Not her. Not the people whose approval secretly matters most. Suddenly, the photo that felt good five minutes ago now feels like a mistake. She considers deleting it. She refreshes again.
Or maybe it is him. The man who works twice as hard as everyone in the office, not only because he is ambitious, but because somewhere inside him there is still a boy waiting for his father to say, "I am proud of you, son." So he works. He achieves. He waits. His father says nothing. So he works harder.
Maybe you recognize yourself in one of them. Maybe in both. If you do, this is for you. And the first thing I want you to know is this: there is nothing wrong with you. This is not a character flaw. It is something you learned. And what you learned, you can begin to unlearn.
What Is Validation-Seeking?
Validation-seeking is when you need other people to confirm that you are worthy, acceptable, attractive, talented, lovable or successful before you can believe it yourself. It is looking outside yourself, at reactions, opinions, praise, attention and approval, to decide how you should feel about who you are.
Everyone wants to feel seen and appreciated. That is human. The problem begins when approval becomes the foundation of your peace. When you cannot make a decision without worrying how people will react. When one person's silence can ruin your mood. When a lack of likes, compliments or recognition makes you question your value.
That is not simply wanting appreciation. That is giving someone else the password to your peace of mind.
Why Validation-Seeking Is So Common Among Young Africans
Many young Africans struggle with validation-seeking not because they are weak, but because of how many of us were raised.
In many African homes, love came through action. Parents paid school fees. They fed you. They sacrificed quietly. They kept the lights on. They worked hard so you could have a better chance. That was love, and it was real.
But the words were often missing. "I am proud of you." "You are enough." "I see how hard you are trying." "You matter beyond what you achieve." In many homes, these words were rare. Some parents even believed that praising a child too much would make them proud, lazy or soft.
So you learned that love had to be earned. You became the obedient one, the responsible one, the high achiever, the quiet one, the one who did not cause trouble. You performed your way toward approval and waited for someone to finally look at you and say, "Yes, you are enough."
Then you grew up and carried that waiting into everything: relationships, friendships, work, social media, family expectations and the way you change yourself depending on who is in the room.
Here is the hard truth: some of the people you are performing for will never give you what you are looking for. Not because you are unworthy, but because they do not have it to give. You cannot get water from an empty well, no matter how many times you return to it.
Signs You Are Seeking Validation From Others
Validation-seeking can be subtle. It may not look desperate from the outside. Sometimes it looks like being agreeable, hardworking, helpful or emotionally strong. But inside, it feels exhausting.
You may be seeking validation if you often:
- Agree with people even when you disagree because conflict feels risky.
- Post online and immediately check likes, views, comments or who reacted.
- Feel crushed when a specific person does not respond to your achievement.
- Replay criticism for days, even when it was small or gentle.
- Cannot fully enjoy your success until someone else celebrates it.
- Keep showing up for people who rarely show up for you.
- Shrink yourself in certain rooms so you will not be judged.
- Change your personality depending on who you want to impress.
- Feel anxious when people are silent, distant or unimpressed.
If you are nodding, you are not alone. Many people are walking around with this emotional hunger. They just do not know how to name it.
Why Other People's Approval Never Feels Like Enough
External validation feels good for a moment. A like. A compliment. A message. A nod of approval. It gives you a small emotional lift. Then it fades, often faster than you expected. Soon you need more.
So you post again. Work harder. Please more. Explain yourself more. Shrink more. Perform more. The hunger keeps growing because you are feeding it with the wrong food. External validation is like eating sugar when you are actually starving. It spikes for a moment, then you crash, and the emptiness returns.
The deeper hunger is not really for other people's approval. It is for your own. Somewhere along the way, you stopped believing that your own voice counted. So even when others praise you, it does not last, because the voice inside you still has not learned how to say, "I am enough."
The African Family Wound Behind Approval-Seeking
For many people, validation-seeking did not begin on social media. It began at home.
It began with a parent who only noticed results, not effort. A father who never said he was proud. A mother whose love came wrapped in criticism. A school system that praised performance but ignored emotional health. A community that measured children by grades, obedience, marriage, career and public image.
In African culture, parental approval can carry enormous weight. It can shape your identity, your confidence and your sense of belonging. When a parent withholds approval, even unintentionally, it can leave a wound that follows you into adulthood.
Your parent's inability to see you is not proof that you are not worth seeing. It may be evidence of their own unhealed wounds, emotional limitations or the way they were raised. People who were never truly seen may not know how to see their children. That does not erase the hurt, but it helps you stop turning their limitation into your identity.
How to Stop Seeking Validation From People Who Do Not See You
Breaking free from validation-seeking is not a quick fix. It is a slow rebuilding of your relationship with yourself. These steps can help.
1. Catch Yourself in the Act
You cannot change a pattern you cannot see. Start noticing the moments when you are reaching for approval.
Before you post something, ask yourself: "Am I sharing this because it matters to me, or because I need a reaction?" Before you agree with someone, ask: "Do I actually agree, or am I avoiding the discomfort of being different?"
Do not judge yourself when you notice it. Just notice. Awareness is the beginning of freedom.
2. Ask Whose Voice Says You Are Not Enough
The next time you feel that familiar ache of needing someone to confirm your worth, pause and ask: "Where did this voice come from?"
Often, the voice saying you are not enough is not even yours. It may belong to a parent, teacher, relative, partner, church leader, school system or community that measured you by grades, obedience, usefulness or image.
Once you know whose voice it is, you can begin to question it. You can stop treating it as truth. You can start answering back.
I explore this more deeply in my book, Rise Within. Live Unhidden.
3. Give Yourself the Approval You Keep Waiting For
This may feel strange at first, but it matters. The praise you are waiting for someone else to give you, begin giving it to yourself.
Write it in your journal. Say it quietly in your room. Speak it after you finish something difficult:
- "I am proud of how far I have come."
- "I handled that better than I give myself credit for."
- "I am becoming someone I respect."
- "My worth is not waiting for someone else's permission."
It may feel fake at first because self-approval is unfamiliar. Keep practicing. You are building a new relationship with yourself.
4. Stop Auditioning for People Who Cannot See You
Not everyone in your life is able or willing to see you clearly. Some people only notice you when you are useful. Some only respect you when you perform. Some only clap when your success benefits their image.
You do not have to make a dramatic announcement. You can simply stop investing your emotional energy where it is consistently wasted. Stop trying to convince people to value you when they have already shown you they cannot hold your value well.
Find the people who see you honestly. The people who celebrate you without needing to control you. The people who make room for your full self, not only the useful version of you. Invest there.
5. Grieve What You Never Received
This is the step most people skip. If a parent never said they were proud of you, grieve that. If a community only saw your achievements and never your heart, grieve that too. If you spent years performing for approval that never came, that is a real loss.
Grief does not mean you are weak. It means you are finally being honest about what hurt. Cry if you need to. Write it out. Talk to someone safe. Let the wound be acknowledged instead of pretending it was nothing.
On the other side of that grief is freedom: the freedom to accept that some people may never give you what you needed from them, and their inability to see you is not the measure of your worth.
6. Build an Identity That Belongs to You
Start asking yourself questions you may never have been allowed to answer honestly:
- What do I actually enjoy, not what sounds impressive?
- Who am I when I am not trying to be liked?
- What would I do if nobody judged me?
- What values do I want to live by when no one is watching?
- What kind of person am I becoming for myself?
The answers are the beginning of a self that does not need permission to exist. A rooted self. A self that can walk into a room without immediately calculating how to be acceptable.
For the One Waiting for a Parent to Finally See Them
If the validation you have been chasing belongs to a parent, this part is for you.
If you are still waiting for a father to say, "I am proud of you," or a mother to see your heart instead of only your mistakes, your pain is real. You are not childish for wanting parental affirmation. You are human.
But you may need to accept something painful: some parents may never become emotionally available in the way you hoped. Some may love you deeply and still not know how to affirm you. Some may be proud of you and still not have the language to say it.
You cannot go back and receive the childhood affirmation you deserved. But you can stop standing in the hallway of your past waiting for a door that may never open.
The most powerful thing you can do is decide that the validation you never received will not become the wound you pass forward. Heal it in you, so those who come after you do not have to go looking for it in empty places.
Before You Close This
You may have been performing for a long time. Working hard to be seen by people who look through you. Shrinking yourself into shapes that feel comfortable for others. Carrying a hunger that nothing external has been able to fill.
Hear this clearly: the problem was never that you were not enough. The problem was that you kept returning to empty wells and wondering why you were still thirsty.
You are enough. Not when you achieve more. Not when the right person finally reacts. Not when the numbers rise. Right now, as you are, with your questions, wounds and unfinished becoming.
Stop performing for people who cannot see you. Start showing up for the person who has been waiting for you this whole time: yourself.
If this spoke to something real, share it with someone who needs to read it.
Frequently Asked Questions About Seeking Validation
What does it mean to seek validation?
Seeking validation means depending on other people's approval, praise, attention or agreement to feel worthy, confident or emotionally okay.
Why do I always need validation from others?
You may need validation from others because you learned to measure your worth through approval, performance, obedience, achievement or how people reacted to you. This often begins in childhood or early relationships.
How do I stop needing approval from everyone?
Start by noticing when you are seeking approval, questioning whose voice shaped your self-doubt, practicing self-approval, setting boundaries and investing in people who see you clearly.
Is wanting validation a bad thing?
No. Wanting appreciation is normal. It becomes unhealthy when other people's approval controls your mood, choices, confidence and sense of self-worth.
Can social media make validation-seeking worse?
Yes. Social media can make validation-seeking worse because likes, comments and views can train you to measure your worth through immediate external reactions.
